In the past year-two years I have changed so much. To the point where 21 year old, college Nikki probably wouldn’t recognize who I am today. And in a good way. I still have some of those insecurities that hung around in the back of my mind, but wow have those voices turned into whispers. As I’m trying to “adult” and grow, I think it’s important to notice and note the progress I’ve seen in myself. Today I am going to share a letter I have written to the old me, because I only wish she could see where I am now.
Dear “little” Nikki,
Life is rough. Right now you are stressed out of your mind, convinced that the actions you make today will haunt you, you’re afraid you’ll graduate college without having made any lasting friendships, and even more afraid you’ll enter the new world without a job or a home. Those are all legit fears. Don’t be mad at yourself for having them. But they won’t last. Things that you fear now will turn into the slightest inconveniences down the line. It won’t be easy, but you’ll get to a point where you feel like you have a more solid grip on how you control your life.
You’re about to go through the most mentally strenuous piece of life that you’ve experienced thus far. You’re going to have some low points, a lot of low points actually, and you are going to beat yourself up over being sad about that. You’re going to find sadness has created a spot inside of you that you didn’t know existed before. And that is going to suck. But it also will not last. One day you are going to wake up and decide you are over all of it. Over dwelling, over that level of sadness, over watching SO MUCH Netflix. And you will be ok.
I’m going to tell you about what you’ve already accomplished, but there is no way you are going to believe me. You are going to run another marathon in a time that you didn’t think was physically possible. It’s crazy I know. And because of that time, you are going to sign up for a bunch of new races and create new goals that you could’ve even image.
Boys will continue to suck. With them, without them, whatever. You will realize that 1) you look way cuter without them, 2) you have more fun with your friends anyways, and 3) the happiness you feel comes from you and not anyone else.
This might be the most insane part. Remember all those internships you applied for and never got? All of the research and case studies that never lead anywhere? The dream you’ve had since you were three? Well, you did it. You got a job at The Walt Disney Company. YOU DID THAT. You made it. It’s not going to come about in the way you would expect. And it’s not going to be an easy road getting there, but one day you are going to get a call and they are going to say how excited they are to have you on the team. You get to work for Mickey Mouse! Isn’t that insane?! All the hard work was worth it. You will also find people who cry at the fireworks every time. And it’s going to work out.
At the end of the day, you realize you have a support system who has been there for you all along. They stood by you when you were lost and lonely. They helped you out when you were at your lowest, and they celebrate with you when you win. They never left even when you thought they did. And they will stick around with you for a long time.
The road ahead is not easy or clear, but it will get you there. Do what makes you happy and the rest will just fall into place.
Love always, “bigger but still small” Nikki